is that a bottle in your pants...?

...or are you just happy to see me?

I just worked at a year 12 graduation in Epping. it made me feel old, and like i missed highschool. 'Though it wasnt really highschool that i missed, more the ideals of it. They were all soppy and "aww, we have to keep seeing eachother"; "if you don't call me, i'll call you". There was this one kid who kept trying to steal a bottle of wine. He slipped it down his pants and tried to walk out with it. He walked right past me, I didn't notice it at all, but the other guard went and got it back. Then he did it again. So I followed him into the toilets to tell him he was busted. I told him to take it out the back, or give it to someone else because they were watching him (don't ask me why, it was like reverse stockholm syndrome) and he was all "thanks mate", undid his pants, grabbed the bottle with one hand, and shook my hand with the other. There went his pants. Anyway, he got his pants back on, and they busted him again. I kept getting called in to stop him. In the end I promised to bring it out to him at the back. I grabbed a warm bottle of red and took it 'round the back. I could hear him yelling "nathan! nathan!".*1 So subtle. I gave it to him and he looked as though he was gonna kiss me. He told me his full name and number in a barrel of words (he had a cool name like chad jetson or something, he seemed like he'd be cool to hang out with) and that was that. An eventful night of sneaking alcohol to minors (well, a minor for only one more week (I checked his ID. AND it meant he wouldn't be driving drunk). Come on! That's so not ammoral.)

*1:He must have gotten it off a girl who asked me if my name was 18. It was my security number for the night. Then she asked if it meant that I was 18 years old. I said I was 20 and she said I was lying. I don't know if she meant that I looked older or younger. I think she was coming onto me, but i was called away by a waitress telling me that some guy had a bottle in his pants.

Earlier in the night I put an umbrella over this girl, I chatted with her as I walked her to the front door. I felt so bad for her, after we got under cover, her mother said "he must have felt sorry for you" and she poked her belly. I should have punched her.

People kept trying to steal the centrepieces from the table (don't ask me why. It was made up of grass and daisies. It looked like a magnified patch of grass with those little white weed-flowers, in a blue reject-shop box). I was told to stop them. I didn't, of course. Partly because at first I didn't recognise them as centrepieces. They were that crap. A total of 40 people failed, and 15 people managed to get away with them. I told them "do not go out the back way, where the guard can't see you". I obviously did my best to protect the assets, utilising my finest loss prevention techniques. They would have saved more money by turning on the house-lights so that people would leave at 12 (0000 hours for some of you), than to have us there an extra hour preventing the stealing of crap flower arrangements.

It was funny watching the guys go outside as a bunch, all hanging off eachother with drunken adoration. Then they'd come back with their shirts untucked and their hair dishevelled (big word). I can only guess that they were mooning the toads in the lake? Anything else would reflect poorly on me.

And it was weird, the girls were getting the guys drunk. You could either take that to mean they wanted their estrogen levels to be too high (so their cranes dont operate) or they wanted the opposite effect. hmm, this "assumption college" sounds like an interesting place. Everyone was hot!*2 So hot that margie would cream herself multiple times! (did my IQ just drop 40 points, and my reference to margie seem oddly placed and nonsensical?)

*2:There were so many red-heads! All types! Strawberry-blonde-redheads! Copper red-heads! Redheads with blonde tips and white skin with pink blotches! I think I'm a bit sick lol. I'm talking about them like they're cattle. "ooh, look at the udders on that one!". Speaking of udders: so much exposed flesh, boobies popping out over the top of dresses, in between cleavage thingos in dresses. I think i might have to remove this part of the entry tomorrow morning when I calm down.

It was sweet, the kids would kiss their parents goodnight(morning) and go off together in their taxis/designated rides, and their parents would cock their heads with pride and sadness and hope and all that stuff. And wave them goodbye as though they were going off to college/down the aisle/someplace else.